Where Have All the Potatoes Gone?
by GreenByrd
Summary: Dante could deal with a lot of weird things- demons, going to the underworld, things like that didn't worry him at all. So when strange things start happening while he and Trish are staying with the characters of Final Fantasy X, he can handle it, right?
1. I'm Dreaming of a Sane Christmas

_Hello everyone out there! This is my first fanfic that I wrote by myself and my first post on here… EVER! I'm so excited!!!!! oo; If you do not enjoy inaneness… well… Giggles My story is a crossover of Devil May Cry, Final Fantasy X, and a few more later in the story. Please enjoy your visit, but remember- don't eat the Potatoes... and definitely don't feed the Turnips. Well, anyhoo- please comment or review it or w/e it's called here. Bon appetite!_

_Oh yeah! I don't own Dante, Trish, Lulu, Tidus, Wakka, Yuna, Rikku, Kimahri, Twister, or Scrabble or Santa Claus... I think that's it._

Chapter 1: I'm Dreaming of A Sane Christmas

It was a beautiful Christmas morning- snow covered branches swayed quietly in the cold morning breeze as the glittery, powder-like snow reflected the early sunrise creeping over the hills, making the freezing 6:30 morning much brighter than it really was. Inside the small, blue two-story house on the edge of town, Trish and Lulu were fixing a warm breakfast. The mixed aroma of warm pancakes and fresh coffee drifted upstairs and brought Rikku, Wakka, Yuna, Kimahri, and Dante stumbling in a zombie-like fashion down the steps. They all sat down for breakfast around the old wood table in the dining room, awkward silence permeating the room. Rikku was the first to say something, as usual.

"Was Santa here?" Rikku tapped on her juice cup and then sipped at it, waiting for an answer.

Lulu looked up from drowning her pancakes in syrup, "Of course he was," she smirked, squeezing the syrup bottle again, "I bet he left you coal."

"Nu-uh! I asked him for a Twister game!!!" Rikku gasped, "You don't think- I wasn't bad was I???"

"Oh please," Trish set her fork down on her plate, "Let's go find out before that little blonde girl mauls us."

They all followed groggily as an excited and very hyper Rikku jumped onto the couch and anxiously waited for Yuna to arrive and pass out the presents.

Yuna hurriedly sat down next to the Christmas tree and pulled out a medium sized present, "Wakka! This one's for you!" She threw it to him.

Wakka shook the package and then tore the paper off, revealing a used VCR box thoroughly wrapped in at least twenty more layers of tape. He ran to the kitchen and returned with a large butcher knife, proceeding to stab and shred the box into submission. Nestled deep inside even more tape and tissue paper was a brand new blitzball, shiny and crisp, and just waiting to be used.

"MY VERY OWN BLITZBALL!" Wakka rejoiced, hugging it. He ran over to a closet and pulled the door open, revealing his forty other blitzballs. Wakka began introducing the blitzball to all it's "new friends", which he had named.

Yuna and the rest stared at him nervously, "Alrighty then-" Yuna said and then turned back to the Christmas tree, "This one's for you, Rikku!"

Rikku immediately attacked the package, snarling and growling like a crazed animal. She ripped it open, shooting the new Twister game all the way across the room and nearly hitting Dante in the head. Rikku ran after and tore the Twister game open; wrapping the mat around her shoulders, "WARM…"

Yuna laughed nervously and a sweatdrop appeared above everyone's heads, "This one's for Lulu!" She tossed the relatively small gift to Lulu.

Lulu calmly opened it. Packaged inside was a former Moogle that had been ripped nearly to shreds and stuffed with candy canes. Lulu threw it into the crackling fireplace, "Stupid elves," she grumbled and fell back into her chair angrily.

"What?" Dante asked, confused as everyone else. He received no answer.

"…Moving right along," Yuna said, beginning to wonder what a girl like her was doing with loons like these, "This one is for Dante, and this one is for Trish!"

Dante and Trish took their presents silently and opened them. Both received a box filled to the brim with coal and a brochure attached to the top of the box beginning with, 'You've Been Checked As Naughty- Here's A Brochure Why!' They both began to read it quietly.

Kimahri got a popcorn container full of catnip.

Yuna began to open her extremely large Christmas present. It was taller than she was with a note taped to it that read, "Careful of Live Animal."

"HEY! THAT OLD LADY DESERVED IT!" Dante bellowed from his chair and then immediately grew silent, reading the rest of his brochure.

"That's not considered stealing!" Trish looked up to the rest of the group for confirmation, "It says one of the reasons I was counted as naughty was because I stole shoes from a store. I didn't steal them! I paid for them in counterfeit money, and when the lady told me I couldn't pay for them with counterfeit money, I knocked her out and then left with the shoes!" Trish cried in anguish, "I never got caught by the police- so that isn't really stealing!"

Lulu sighed and shook her head, the only one who was not staring at Trish in shocked silence, "Hopeless…"

"HEY! EVERYBODY! I'M OPENING MY PRESENT! PAY ATTENTION!" Yuna yelled and stomped her foot angrily. She tore off the wrapping paper, revealing a large cardboard box with a door cut out of the bottom. Tidus was curled up in a corner chanting about how the reindeer weren't scary and it was all a dream. "TIDUS!" Yuna screamed again, clapping joyously.

Tidus looked up shakily, his eyes wide with fright, "He said I can't come out or… or… he'll kill me. But only if I come out of the box…"

"MMMM! WARM!!!" Rikku purred, snuggling closer into her Twister mat.

Yuna ignored Rikku's strange outburst, "Who??? Who told you that???" She asked Tidus, worried.

Tidus shivered and dropped his voice into a low whisper, "Santa… Claus…"

"NO! NO! IT CANNOT BE!" Everyone screamed in unison excepting Dante and Trish, who were still reading there ten page brochure and muttering furiously to themselves.

"Yes… yesssss, "Tidus nodded gravely and shivered again.

"Hurry- we must kill him- before he tells world Santa evil!" Kimahri roared.

Tidus yelled in protest, "H-Hey! No f-fair! I didn't come out of my box! You can't kill me!!!"

Kimahri sighed in frustration, "Darn…He right… dang stupid box is safe regulation!"

Yuna began bawling, "No! This isn't fair! Now I'll never be able to see you again because you can't come out of the box!"

"LIFE IS SO UNFAIR!!!" Tidus also began crying uncontrollably.

"Uhmmmmm…" Trish said, since she had just come aware of the situation at hand after she had finished reading her brochure, "Can't you just go in the box?"

Yuna abruptly stopped crying and pondered this thought, "Oh! I never thought of that!"

Lulu sighed, "Hopeless…"

Yuna hurriedly ran into the box and hugged Tidus around the neck.

"Wow! Trish, I never knew you were so smart!" Dante admired Trish's intellectual genius aloud.

"Hopeless," Lulu again sighed.

"MMMMMMMMMMM!!! WARMNESSSS!!! MORE MORE MORE PRESENTSES!!!!!!!!!" Rikku yelled and began hopping up and down like a loon with the Twister mat around her shoulders and the Twister box on her head like a hat.

With help from Dante, Kimahri dumped out the contents of the stockings on the fireplace. Many candy canes and other Christmas candy rolled onto the floor. But in Rikku's stocking, a gold ornament-like statue of a shoe fell onto the ground. Rikku immediately pounced on it.

"IT'S MIIIIIIINNNNEEEEEEEE!!!!!" Rikku screeched in a high-pitched voice.

"Okay, kid, okay! It's yours!" Trish covered her ears at the shrillness of Rikku's voice.

"Some Christmas morning," Lulu said sourly, picking up the candy from the floor.

Rikku picked up her little Moogle named Jingles and shoved him in her stocking, along with Dante and Trish's coal and the golden shoe. She lugged her (and some that weren't her) presents up the stairs to her room and closed the door.

"This was the best Christmas EVER!" Yuna decided loudly while still hugging Tidus… who was still crying over the evils of the world.

Lulu rolled her eyes and sighed, "Hopeless," She muttered and walked back into the kitchen to begin washing the plates from breakfast.

Kimahri pointed a sharp claw at Tidus, "If ever Kimahri catch you out of box--- Kimahri KILL you."

Trish backed away from Kimahri, "Uhhhh… Dante? Wanna play a game of chess?"

"No," Dante scoffed and rolled his eyes as he flopped down on the couch and flipped the TV on.

"Fine… never mind then," Trish sat down next to him on the couch and stared at Wakka, who was still introducing his new blitzball to the other ones.

Kimahri went back upstairs and Yuna went and found Scrabble, and then went back into the box to play Scrabble with Tidus.

Ahhh, yes. It was a very sane Christmas for all.

_Next chapter might take awhile… I'm almost done with it in my notebook, but I'm a slooooowww typist. ; I hope you enjoyed the first chapter! Nods_


	2. A Day School Ruled The World

_Hey! It's the second chapter! I made it to the second chapter! Is happy for no reason Oh well… ummmmmmmmmmmmmm sorry… Anyway- I really wasn't as happy with this chapter as the first one, but I still think it's pretty good. Please read and review it- and by the way- DON'T EAT THE POTATOES!!_

_I do not own Tidus, Yuna, Rikku, Dante, Trish, Lulu, Wakka, or Kimahri._

_That doesn't stop me from wishing, though. I also don't own Julia, Hwoarang, or Lucia._

Chapter 2: A Day School Ruled the World

It was a few days after Christmas, and school had already started up again for Rikku. Trish was beginning the difficult task of waking Rikku up and threatening her to get ready.

"RIKKU! Get up right this minute!" Trish yelled up the stairs, a mixing bowl in her hand, "You are going to miss the bus!"

"NOOOOOOO… no more school! Make it leave me aloooone!" Rikku whined dramatically, tumbling down the steps.

The commotion had brought Dante out of his room, "What's going on?" He yawned and peered into Rikku's room, "Did you sleep with your Twister mat as a blanket?"

"YUMMY FOOD!" Rikku grabbed at the bowl Trish was holding.

"Get ready for school," Trish expertly moved the bowl away from Rikku's greedy fingers, "Then you can eat breakfast."

Rikku tumbled back up the stairs and stared at Dante, grinning stupidly, "Will you be my daddy?"

"HUH?" Dante stared back at her, his eyebrow quirked.

"For school! It's Bring Your Father To School Day, and I dun want Cid to go," Rikku tugged at his sleeve, "Puh-WEASE?" She gave him her best puppy-dog-eyes look.

"I-I have other s-stuff to do today…" Dante looked to Trish to save him, "Besides… I really don't know anything about you… as a uh… person?"

Trish smirked cruelly, "You do not have other stuff to do today, you can go with Rikku. In fact, you should! It's a wonderful idea! You need to get out of the house more, anyway, and you can get to know Rikku… as a person?"

Rikku clapped happily and ran down the steps. In a short matter of time they were both ready to go to school and Rikku had eaten breakfast. They heard the bus pull up and the driver honked.

Rikku grabbed her bag and Dante's arm, "Let's go!" She dragged him out the door and onto the bus.

Dante stared at all the children on the bus. All the children on the bus stared at Dante.

"Sit with me!" Rikku grabbed his arm and shoved him onto the seat beside her.

Dante looked at the kids sitting around them with their fathers. He realized suddenly they all looked like they were seven or eight. He turned back to Rikku, "So… exactly what grade are you in?"

"This year I'm in … … …" Rikku suddenly looked stunned and then began to count on her fingers, starting over many times, "Third grade!" She looked very pleased with herself for remembering.

Dante was obviously surprised and shocked, "What?! How old are you?!"

"I'm… … … … … … …" Rikku again looked puzzled and began counting on her fingers. Finally she shrugged and looked back at him, "I dunno, quit asking me all these hard questions! Ask Yunie! She's 19 and really smart."

Dante slapped his hand to his forehead and began muttering angrily.

"Excuse me?" The man sitting across the aisle from them asked, "Is that your little girl?"

Dante glared at him, "NO!" He shouted.

"Yup! He's my DADDY!" Rikku hugged him around the neck, "He hunts demons or marshmallows or somethin' like that and he watches TV a lot and he annoys Trish and I secretly think he's secretly in love with Tri-"

Dante clapped his hand over her mouth, "NO! I'M NOT EVEN RELATED TO HER!"

The man was covering his son's ears and staring at them in shock.

"Dante?!" A familiarly annoying, Russian-like accented voice drifted over the seat, "Is that you?!"

He turned around quickly and peered down at the person sitting in the seat behind them, "Oh no… That's not you, is it, Lucia?"

Lucia blinked up at him, "I-I-I thought you w-were d-dead! But here you are! With your own little son!"

"Why are you going to school?" Dante looked at her in confusion.

"The elves wouldn't listen to me! They put me back in kindergarten because they said I was as stupid as I sound…" Lucia cried in anguish, "Are you married?"

Dante decided it would be best to lie to her, "Ummm…Yes!"

"TO WHO?" Lucia demanded, her eyes welling up with tears.

He tried to think of a possible person. Suddenly, a thought came to his mind, "You know… Trish?"

Lucia blinked, "Ahhh, yes! The woman on the motorcycle at the end of DMC II! I thought it was you, but when I ran to the door, she beat me up and told me to stay away from you."

Rikku suddenly poked her head over the seat, "I didn't know monkeys could talk! I just thought they used sign language like that one movie where there was a volcano and everything went BOOM!"

Lucia and Dante stared at her in silence.

Suddenly, Rikku turned pale and gasped, pointing at a boy in the back of the bus, "That's the boy who asked me out! I said no!"

"Why didn't you say yes?" Lucia looked at the tall boy in the back of the bus, "He's cute… except his dye job is bad and red isn't a good color for him."

"I can't go out with anyone!" Rikku replied in shock, "Yunie said she didn't love anybody but Tidus and she said I shouldn't love anyone who isn't like Tidus, so I have to wait to go out with someone who is another Tidus!"

"That freaky box man?" Dante asked.

Rikku nodded.

"Tough break," Dante shrugged and then grew angry, "Gosh you people are so messed up!"

"Heck is the place people go if they don't believe in gosh," Rikku said cutely, but she was met with blank stares.

Lucia began bawling, "LIFE IS SO UNFAIR! I HATE TRISH AND I'M GONNA KILL HER!"

The bus came to a sudden stop and everyone began filing out. As soon as Dante and Rikku were off the bus, Rikku raced into the building, leaving Dante behind. It took him several minutes to find her, but when he did she was putting her book bag and coat on a hook and talking to her teacher about how great her daddy was.

"See! This is him! Isn't he cooool?!!" Rikku jumped up and down and pointed at Dante.

"So you are Rikku's father," the teacher, who looked like she was only in her teens, scoffed, "I've been waiting to meet you for some time."

"The thing is, well, I'm kind of a replacement person- I'm not really her father- she just… well-" Dante started, not sure how to explain the situation without sounding like a complete loon. However, he wasn't quite sure with himself at the moment that he wasn't a complete loon.

"It's no wonder this poor little girl is as confused as she is!" The teacher spat, "My name is Miss Chang."

"She's seventeen, not a little girl, and she's NOT my kid!" Dante said loudly and angrily.

Miss Chang smiled cheerily at the rest of the children and their fathers as they entered the room and sat down. Her expression turned ice cold as she turned back to Dante; "I want to have a private word with you, sir, after class is dismissed. Apparently you have issues going on at home that are too difficult for you to handle emotionally. As an educator, I am here to help my students learn and achieve their goals to the best of their abilities. I think you are stunting your own daughter's ability," Miss Chang spoke haughtily and then turned on her heels, walking to the front of the classroom without giving Dante a chance to defend himself.

Rikku tugged on his arm and made him sit down in the tiny desk beside her own.

Miss Chang walked up and down the aisles explaining that the fathers were to tell about what they do for a living, and then the children could question them after they were done speaking.

"Mr. Sparda, would you please go first?" Miss Chang requested nicely.

Dante stood uneasily and walked slowly to the front of the room, asking himself mentally what the heck he was doing to himself, "Hi," he said in an effort to sound relatively cool. There was no reply.

"Well… Ummm… My name is Dante Sparda… and I'm supposed to be Rikku's father today- but I'm not usually- I think she said her real father's name was Sud or something…" He stared blankly at the people staring blankly at him.

"What's do you do for a living?" A father asked, ignoring his previous statement about Rikku.

Dante looked around uncomfortably, "I… uhhh… My job is hunting devils," he tried to think of something else to say and finally squeaked out, "Devils… … … never cry…"

A little boy raised his hand and started squirming in his seat.

"Yeah?" Dante tried to sound tough.

The boy bit his lip, "I have to go to the bathroom!"

Miss Chang laughed cutely and tilted her head to the side, "David, remember what I told you about staying on a subject we are all talking about? Remember I told you that's why you never have any friends? Think about what you are going to say before you speak and then your classmates might actually like you."

David began to cry, "Miss Chang, I wet my pants!"

Miss Chang sighed in a tone to subtly hint she was frustrated and pursed her lips, "David! Remember what we were just talking about? You just got off the subject again! And you didn't raise your hand before you spoke."

Dante stared in shock at Miss Chang and then at the poor little boy who had wet his pants.

Rikku abruptly got out of her seat and ran over to Dante, her wide eyes sparkling and chibified, intensifying the brilliant green  of her eyes.

"Oh!" Dante melted and clapped his hands together in joy, "Look at 'er! In her wee little boots! She's so cute- just like a little bunny!"

Suddenly, Rikku up-chucked on Dante's shirt and began to cry, "My tummy hurts!"

Dante screamed in repulsion like a little girl, "You puked all over my cool demon-slaying shirt!" He moaned in agony.

"Why don't you both go to the office and sign her out. You should take her home because she probably doesn't feel very well," Miss Chang advised as she led them both to the door.

"You're a master of the obvious, huh?" Dante snarled at her and then left to find the office, Rikku scampering along behind him.

It took, to his shirt and his shirt's dismay, over ten minutes to find the office and sign Rikku out. He then realized Rikku and he had ridden the bus and couldn't drive home. He phoned the house, and to his relief, Trish answered.

"Hello?" Trish muttered into the receiver.

"Trish! Oh thank goodness! I need you to come pick us up! The teacher is really mean and scary and Rikku barfed on me and this elementary school is as big as a freakin' university!" Dante yelled.

"Who is this?!" Came the confused reply.

"It's me! Dante!" He cried.

"Oh," Trish sighed, "Sorry, the car is broken again, plus you didn't shovel the driveway this morning so it's probably stuck anyway. And you could just fly home because you still have your devil gauge up."

"I never thought of that! Wow, Trish, you're really smart!" He smiled broadly into the receiver and wondered at Trish's intellectual genius.

"Hopeless," he heard Lulu mutter.

"Right… see you later, then," Trish hung up quickly.

Dante hung up and turned to Rikku, "Hey… Ummm… Want a piggy back ride?" He couldn't think of any other way to carry her back home.

"Yeah!" Rikku clapped and jumped onto his back tightly. He turned into a devil and flew out, giving the school a new skylight while he was at it.

"Oops," he sighed, but kept flying anyway.

"So how was school today?" Lulu asked when Dante and Rikku walked in the door.

"GET HER OFF!" Dante yelled and jumped up and down, trying to shake Rikku off his back.

Rikku giggled and held on more tightly.

Lulu sighed, "Hopeless," and cast Thunder on Rikku, which immediately made Rikku detach herself from Dante's coat and run up the stairs crying.

"Thanks," Dante scoffed and walked upstairs to clean off his shirt and get another one.

After he had gotten another shirt and put it on, he knocked on Rikku's door, feeling bad for having caused Lulu to make Rikku cry.

Rikku opened the door a crack and peered out at him, "Come in… HURRY!" She whispered harshly, grabbing his shirt and pulling him in.

Dante's eyes adjusted to the darkness quickly, but he turned on the light anyway, because he was scared of Rikku. There, in the middle of the room, the coal was in several rings around the golden shoe- and around the coal, a ring of hungry looking potatoes- how they looked hungry, Dante wasn't sure… but they did… And they were turning towards Rikku and him.

_And so it begins… next chapter will be up soon!_


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